Today I'm blogging from a place of unchecked delirium as a result of illness. Last night I woke up at 4 AM with a quizzical "where the hell am I?" frame-of-mind. The common head cold has taken hold of my senses and thrust my usual whimsical nature into a dank, cavernous, biting, gallows humor. When I'm a little tired, a little cranky and a little sick my tendency towards writing fart jokes becomes an inclination towards sardonic mockery of the good and pure. I'm working on this joke about dead puppies that will just kill when I've finished sharpening the edges.
As I lay in bed last night I was doing a little old-school, real-time "blogging" (otherwise known as laying awake thinking). Like I said, my attitude goes a little south when I'm ill and the tone of my inner monologue was a little raw when unfiltered but I had this idea for a blog post and I'd like to give it a shot. It's important for me to say here that the following ideologies are not born from my own mind. These are strategies and truths about alcoholism that have been shown to me by other alcoholics. I didn't figure this out on my own and I'm not taking credit for it.
The title of this blog is Taking Myself Too Seriously because I often feel too caught up in my own problems. The truth is that my problems are small today. They are nothing like the elephant sized dilemmas I found myself in two years ago. Problems which I'm still slowly devouring (one bite at a time) today- the legal troubles that will follow me for a few more years but have lost the pressing urgency that they had at first. The collection agencies that have been settled with and politely told to "fuck off". Driving all over the county several times a week to meet treatment obligations. Those are all in the rear view. It's been a couple of years since the handcuffs made that distinctive 'click' behind my back, out of my sight. But they're still fairly fresh memories and thank God for that. The bad times (like those) are what make the best times (like these) so sweet. They serve as a reminder that I can make a pretty big mess of things in a short amount of time. They become a strong defense against getting drunk. Not the greatest defense, that comes from something else and it's deserving of a blog post all it's own. But a strong and important defense.
But still, the petty problems I face today can feel consuming and I remain very confused about the rules of society. I continue to feel as if I don't have the rule book and am struggling to figure out how to play fairly in life. Cravings for drugs and alcohol are not as obsessive and persistent as they were but they crop up at the strangest times. A few days ago I was riding the ferry to Seattle (drink) when I saw a young man and his two sons horsing around. I felt so hopelessly detached from their lifestyle (drink) and felt certain I would never understand how to live like them (drink). Then as I was stepping off the boat I made eye contact with a pretty girl (drink) and it felt too long since I'd had a real emotional connection with a love interest (drink). I got off the boat and walked by a restaurant I worked in long ago (drink) before being fired for my drinking. I realized that for the last hour all I had been doing was thinking about depressing aspects of my life and ignoring all the positives. I remembered what I had been shown by those who have been sober longer than I have. That the most certain way to avoid drinking is to help another person. I started pondering how I might help someone else. I trudged up Capitol Hill and moments later came upon someone I've known for a long time.
He looked terrible. I hadn't seen him in two years and it was plain to see that life has not been kind. He is an exceptionally nice and talented guy and I like him a lot. He told me lost his job last month, went on a bender and was checking himself into rehab the following day. I gave him my number and told him to call me if he wanted to talk. I didn't feel so hopeless anymore. With one 30 second conversation my mini-midlife crisis stopped feeling all-important. My friend looked really unhealthy but the truth is that when I look at old pictures of myself I look even worse. Eyes sunken in, gaunt expression, bad skin, unkempt hair... God spared me from all that and I felt grateful again.
I wish I could say that I always felt grateful for what I have but I don't. I'm an alcoholic and I'm wired to want more of everything all the time. I'm insatiable. There will never be enough money, sex, sugar or fun times to satisfy me. The only thing I know to do is take that craving and turn it outwards. Try, really try, to think about someone else. It's not easy. I'm pretty self-obsessed. But by following the good examples that others have set I can aim for generosity and humility.
Again, this is not my own wisdom that you've just read but merely me fleshing out my own experiences to prove philosophies that have been explained to me by others. I am thankful to those people for putting these notions into practice and always taking some time to help me and consequently help themselves.
I'm not really sure how to wrap this up. I usually try to end on a humorous note so maybe I'll just say this: fart noises.
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