Do you remember that song Feelings that was popular in the 70s? I don't, I wasn't born until 1980. But I've heard it and just like actual feelings and emotions, it is terrible. "Feeeeelings....Nothing more than feelings...Trying to forget these...feelings of LOVE!"
I sometimes wonder if my mother listened to it frequently while I was in her womb because I seem to have an abundance of feelings and I'm not thrilled about it. Anyone who's taken PSYCH 100 or done any critical analysis of the gender differences knows that in modern American society men are generally permitted to have two emotions: horny and angry. Any other emotion from a man is usually considered a sign of weakness by society at large.
But I am an unstoppable flood of emotion. I always have been. But more significantly I'm a great denier of emotion. For I want nothing more than to be accepted by others. This has been my downfall. I have consistently proven to myself that I hold your opinion of me in higher-regard than my opinion of me. In the past I took everyone's feedback as factually factual facts and nothing less. Call me a fag? I'm a fag. Tell me I'm tall? Well, 5' 11" is pretty huge. Tell me I suck at basketball? I'll never ask to play again and I'm very sorry for ruining your game today, sir. Call me a fag again? Please stop doing that, I swear I like girls.
So I discovered this interesting trick one day. The trick is this: drink heavily and all those pesky emotions like fear, sadness, loneliness, uncertainty, shyness, love, arousal, jealousy, anger or manic happiness turn into one big, loud emotion called drunkenness. Drunkenness is close enough to anger or horny to be considered a passable emotion for a boy to have. More importantly it helped me forget that I was feeling so many other things. But it didn't work for long. Eventually it didn't work at all. The emotions were still there and I was left with this maladaptive coping mechanism that was ruining my life.
In recovery I've learned that it's important for me to accept myself part and parcel for the person who I am. I've learned to see that I have aspects of my personality that don't serve a good purpose and I want to be rid of them to make room for my good qualities. But I'm not very good at discerning which are the good qualities and which are the bad ones. I certainly know which things about myself I don't like. The things I don't like are the emotions. But feelings aren't character traits, they're feelings and having them isn't harming me. The thing that is harming me is my (now less-frequent) inability to accept the fact that I'm having them. I've told some impressive lies in my life but the most damaging lies I told might have been the ones where I said "I'm fine" or "I'm okay" when I most certainly was not.
I'm in a place today where I'm no longer willing to be ashamed of the person I am or feel guilty about the emotions I feel. I'm not interested in apologizing for being in a bad mood or pretending I'm in a great mood when I'm upset or sad. Thankfully, I have a lot to be happy about lately and mostly I am happy. I'm a student again, I work in a great restaurant, I have a lovely family and I'm healthy and sober. I am happy.
I'm also gassy and for that I do apologize. That's another emotion men tend to feel. Gas.
Thank you, good night and I love you.
No comments:
Post a Comment